I have this problem I like to call “addiction to Netflix Instant,” though a doctor might call it “insomnia.” Either way, I sleep little during the night, and am kept occupied only by writing bullshit no one will ever read or watching 90’s Science Fiction films starring Dusting Hoffman, Sharon Stone and Samuel L. Jackson. Mostly I do both simultaneously (holy fuck I just spelled “simultaneously” right on the first try). Browsing through the “science fiction fantasy” genre I saw this movie Sphere, but was almost deterred by Judgement Day starring Ice T. One should never have to choose between Samuel L. Jackson and Ice T— it is a sad world we live in.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes seek out bad big budget studio made science fiction films which is why I don’t understand how I SOMEHOW FUCKING MISSED THIS. I must of been, like, being a contributing member of society and having a really active social life or something. Lame.
Sphere was made in ‘98, based on a Chrichton story, stars some big name actors who are really amazing at whispering badly written one liners right before something tragic happens, and seems to employ every stereotype that big budget science fiction flicks have: a rag tag team of scientists, an impossible mission, a nonsensical scientific story. And Samuel L. Jackson. Even with all that, the movie was a huge flop— costing 80 million and bringing in barely 34— it was a commercial and critical failure. Sharon Stone even spoke about the film saying, “I’m Sharon Stone, I’m really creepy and tall, I kill men with ice picks and show my vagina when I uncross my legs and am inexplicably a member of MENSA.”
In the film a psychologist played by Dustin Hoffman, in his best quirky but calm assertive role since Outbreak, wrote an article about who should make contact with alien life if ever the option presented itself, and thus our rag tam team is assembled: the psychologist, an asshole military leader whose purpose seems to be to do nothing but antagonize and yell at Dustin Hoffman (played by Peter Coyote who is actually, in my opinion, the best actor in the movie), an astrophysicist (played my some actor whose name I don’t know but if you saw him you’d totally know him because he’s in, like, every movie), and a mathematician played by Samuel L. Jackson. Personally, I think the fact that the mathematician is played by a black man only further proves that this film is one of the most FICTIONAL science fiction films ever made. Suspension of disbelief, Jaime, suspension of disbelief.
The rag tag team makes their way to the bottom of the ocean where the crashed spaceship resides along with an undersea control center akin to the one you saw in Sealab 2020. This control center is run by the less than sassy, incredibly stoic Queen Latifah who has maybe ten lines in the movie, six of them being “Yes, sir.”
While all of the characters are supposed to be geniuses, the film only talks about that in the beginning, in the remainder of the film they only bring it up before and after making really absurd and easily preventable mistakes and generally being morons.
“Hey, um, Atrsophycist Guy, if the ship was indestructible and didn’t suffer any damage during the crash, why was I able to open and break the main door so easily with this screwdriver?”
“Yeah. Good point… odd.”
As the film progresses the team ends up casually walking over to the giant spaceship, entering easily, finding dead people and other clues which lead them to believe it was from the future; time travel, black holes, etc. ensues. They discover a giant golden sphere before the plot spirals into a paradigm of total nonsense, plot holes, inexplicable reactions and water snakes. This may fall into the category of “bad movie” to you, but to me I was practically giddy at the idea of Dustin Hoffman being able to swim in the open water with no equipment on at the bottom of the sea. I’m not a scientist (but I totally could be if I wanted to be), but I’m pretty sure you can’t just do a leisurely backstroke at the bottom of the sea without being CRUSHED TO DEATH or FREEZING. Again, this is the same movie that has made the mathematician black— perhaps free swimming at the bottom of the ocean is more believable, eh?
Eventually it’s discovered that the sphere allows you to manifest your imagination which explains nothing and everything at the same time. For example, I’m imagining that jellyfishes are attacking Queen Latifah, and so it happens. Along the way, Sharon Stone becomes a crazy, irrational mental case totally obsessed with her old married boyfriend (Dustin Hoffman) while simultaneously being a really accomplished genius biochemist and many of them die one by one. The plot is not as important as the reasons it’s necessary for everyone to see the movie Sphere. Any film, good or bad, but specifically bad, harbors a few key scenes which should make them watchable despite the bad writing, bad effects, bad characters, bad… everything. For Sphere, there are two reasons to watch this movie:
Samuel L. Jackson shows his bare ass cheek in a gratuitous shower scene.
Note, I said ass CHEEK. You only see one. I imagine that perhaps this was in his contract. Perhaps if they had offered him more money he would have shown his entire black butt. Not the case though, you get only a glimpse, but nonetheless a noticeable and rather shocking look at Samuel L. Jackson’s ass. Maybe he has shown his ass in other movies, but I’ve never seen it, and part of me feels like I might be cooler just because my eyes have taken a glimpse at this man’s private areas. There was nothing sexual about this scene and, as a woman, I was not hungry for more black man ass or dong or anything, I was simply surprised and oddly delighted at this purposeless scene.
Queen Latifah gets attacked by a hoard of jellyfish.
Queen has to leave the control center for a reason that makes absolutely no sense at all and encounters a few jellyfish. At first, she’s giddy, saying how pretty they are, how beautiful it is down there. Then, suddenly, A LOT more come, a whole gaggle, surrounding her. She keeps going, but the jellyfish are getting closer. She tells the command center that they’re getting a little friendly, a little close, it’s getting tense. One starts sticking to her leg— OH NO QUEEN! RUN! Queen starts moving quickly but eventually falls on the ground (even though they’re under water) and the jellyfish totally fucking just attack her and kill her in one of the most awesome jellyfish attack scenes I’ve seen since Will Smith killed himself in the tub with a jellyfish in 8 Pounds. They rip and tear at her legs, everyone is screaming, there are jellyfish everywhere. It’s awesome. Since her character was the character that talked the least, and was therefore my favorite, I was saddened at the loss. Furthermore, I don’t even know what Queen Latifah was doing down there, she hates water, I’ve heard she “can’t stand the rain.” Oh fuck, that was Missy Elliot, never mind.
Surprisingly, you get no boob shots from Sharon Stone— only crazy woman are totally irrational and will try and kill themselves if their boyfriend leaves them type stuff. In the end, Hoffman totally nuts up and drives his comrades out of there with a little mini submarine that probably doesn’t exist but was really convenient for the plot especially since they were trying to escape explosives that were there for, um, I don’t know why, but they were there and going to explode. Later, they all hold hands and imagine to forget what happens because if they imagine themselves forgetting then they will actually forget because, you see, their imaginations manifest themselves. You follow? I find it odd that with this concept everyone was somehow imagining things like jellyfish attacks, water snakes, giant monsters, death, fire and destruction or perhaps that was the point? We imagine the worst? Only Michael Crichton knows. Or, as I suspect, Michael Crichton was sitting in a tiny theater at the Warner Brothers Studio after his viewing and was just, like, “yeah guys, that’s really not what I meant, like, at all.” And the studio execs laughed it off, told him not everything is going to be like Jurassic Park and shuffled him out the door. Then they all had a sex orgy.
As a fan of many bad movies, it’s important for me to say that Sphere was ridiculous enough to keep my attention until the sun pulled up near my window and it was almost morning. I love movies so much and have a strong affinity for good film making, but I must say, that sometimes the most surprisingly enjoyable ones are the ones that are so bad they make you yell obscenities at the TV in the middle of the night. That considered, does that actually make it a GOOD movie? I imagine it does, and if I imagine it does, that means it’s… reality… right?
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